Curiosity kills

Sometimes curiosity kills. It is better to just sit still. It can imply many things and hurt others. And misunderstanding might lead to greater hell.

I am terribly sorry. And regret. It won't happen again.

I trust, and sincerely am.

Love? which one do YOU practise

Infantile love follows the principle: "I love because I am loved."
Mature love follows the principle: "I am loved because I love."
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

- Erich Fromm

CZ

Left the final one on 28th and BYE BYE CZ!

"And love will always be the guiding force in our lives"

Panic Attack? Not Really

Had my Japanese oral interview test yesterday. I was the first person together with one other. The test lasted for 5 minutes only: 8 - 8.05am. That's how long I was in school yesterday for! I felt unsatisfied after the test. Thought I didnt't do as well as I am supposed to be. Well, it's alrite.

Exams are starting on the 27th Nov. Today is 17th Nov. Exactly 10 days more. But have I started studying? Well, no! But, am I panicking? I am afraid, no. Everyone is mugging real hard. Study room and libraries are open 24 hours just to accommodate students studying throughout the night. And here what am I doing? I guess I will start today. Pray hard for me that I will study hard and have the will to do so. I'll pray for myself too.

"I can be a pain sometimes. I'm sorry baby. Hope the iceberg hasn't cracked"

Things I never understand

Pessimism vs optimism. Often times, pessimism win. Just pretty good example: in maths, a negative multiply by a positive, will always be a negative. In these good and bad 19 years of my life, I learnt, accepted, understood and identified a lot of things. But, there are always fundamental things, things that seem so easy to grab, that I seem to never understand.

I admit, I have high expectations in almost everything I do. I'm kinda a semi-perfectionist. In everything, I want it to be in my favour. I want myself to be pleased. But sometimes conditions can't be met and I leave no choice or way out for others to pick. Imperfection is just something not visible to me. And this imperfection often times lead me to sadness and thus vulnerability. I am vulnerable to being sad because I didn't quite get what I expect of something. The irony is, whatever I am sad about start nowhere but me.

Life of others in my eyes always seem better than mine. Full of happiness and smile. Warm friendship. Endless adventures and laughters. But what I do not know is these others often have sad stories too. It is only when I have the coincidental chance to read about these stories that made me thinking, afterall my life perhaps is one of the best.

I'm greatful for all my friends who always friends to me. And I'm thankful for those who love me so much, and I can only hope to return the love as much without inject any kind of suffering or sadness.

Selfish. Loser. Me.

Life is Maths

"Life is Maths, permutations and combinations aplenty. Inequalities can be solved so do not worry. Use double angle to look at problems. If things get too much, solve them by parts." - an sms sent by my friend; sources unknown.

Just an Update

Today is the last day of mid-term break. I have wasted the one-week in terms of not studying at all for my coming mid-term tests. And I'm not even panicky. Haiz, I feel so sian studying, schooling. On the other hand, I didn't waste the break, literally, as it gives me the chance to rest from the first 6 weeks of university life. Hope I manage to pass my tests.

Last night, went out with some of my friends. So glad to meet them after so long. (deleted)

I miss, love, concern, sad, support, pray, hope, guilty, shitty, sorry, hug - to all my friends.

Often times, I find myself full of selfishness, need attention, which is just not what I want to be like. On the outside, it seems almost perfect, on the inside, it is damn shallow. My life. How I perceive it this morning.

Killing time

In NUS Science Library now.

Didn't bring my laptop charger :(
Battery running low.

The Wireless Network rocks!
The speed is better than at home!

'Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate...'

‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?

You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of god that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.’

- Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles

こんにちわ

こんにちわ。
はじめまして。わたしはハリス．アンです。
インドネシアからきました。
じゅうきゅうさいです。
シンガポール だいがくのがくせいです。
どぞよろしく。

How is it so far?

CZ1102 Problem Solving and Computation

The C programming is KILLING me! ARGH! Don' t understand what the lecturer is talking about. He can't even speak properly. The textbook provides not much help either! STILL LOST. Every week, there is 2 hours lab session whereby 3 problems are given for us to write a program. The first 2 to be handed in after the lab (which by the way, I foresee, I will 'never' be able to do so) and the last problem, in the beginning of the following lab week. Chunks of information are just thrown at us and I can't figure out how to put it into a program, and HOW TO MAKE THE PROGRAM WORKS!!! F***

LAJ1201 Japanese 1

INTERESTING! The tutorial classes are fun and interactive. Most of the time laughing at our mistakes and confused look at the teachers when they started talking so fast in Japanese.

LSM1302 Genes and Society

I'm bored to death. But it is the slackest module. After mid-term break, there will be only one lesson per week, and I heard the Final exam consists of only 100MCQs.

MA1100 Basics of Mathematics

Still alright.

MA1102R Calculus

Starting to make me headache and confused.

Choir

Still surviving as a Tenor, although sometimes my voice can't come out for the high notes.

Elementary Cha Cha and Quicksteps
Fun.. Sometimes forget the steps and the direction, especially when with partner. Hahaha

Intermediate Mandarin
Alright.

First week in NUS

14th Aug 2006 marked the start of my University education.

Monday, 14th Aug

Lecture 1: MA1100 Basics of Mathematics
Time: 4 - 6pm

Rants: The lecturer is from China. For an introduction to the module, he spent 45 minutes. The speed in which he lectured was unbelievably slow. Was bored to the point of almost sleeping.

Tuesday, 15th Aug

Lecture 1: MA1102R Calculus
Time: 12 - 2pm
Rants: The lecturer is again from China. He looked like a trainee lecturer. Still young. English not that bad and the speed of lecture was slightly better than the previous day lecturer.

Time: 2- 4pm
Was with Cassandra. Went to the Central Forum to get my student's packet for Japanese lecture later on. Queued for the free NUS Student Union's diary, which was quite nice. Had lunch at Campus McD - the price is cheaper! Met with Khairiah and Marli.

Lecture 2: LAJ1201 Japanese 1
Time: 4 - 6pm
Rants: The lecture I most looking forward too. Lecture was interesting and interactive. This is the strictest module with tutorial attendance ranked very very important, and it is graded! First lecture only and we had homework to do! Have to learn Japanese Hiragana and Katakana (Japanese characters) by next lecture as from next lecture onwards, the lecture notes will be in Japanese.

Time: 6 - 7+pm
Had dinner with Joy at a Japanese restaurant at Yusof Ishak House.

Wednesday, 16th Aug

Lecture 1: CZ1102 Problem Solving and Computation

Time: 10am - 12pm

Rants: Another lecturer from China. His English was not fluent. Words were pronounced wrongly and unclear. Most of the time, I have no idea what he was talking about. So far, the worst module for me.

Time: 12 - 2pm
Bought a 2nd hand textbook for the CZ1102 module for $20 (Cassandra got it for $18). The new one cost $67.70! Had lunch with Cassandra at Science canteen. Michelle joined me after lunch, and three of us visited the Interaction Bazaar put up by the Science Club (supposedly the biggest bazaar in NUS, but I failed to notice it that way). Most of the stuff in the bazaar were for girls.

Lecture 2: LSM1302 Genes and Society
Time: 2 - 4pm

Rants: The best lecturer for this semester. Fluent English, Good lecture speed, Entertaining. But, he made the module sounded so mouthful.

Thursday, 17th Aug

Lecture 1: LSM1302 Genes and Society

Time: 12 - 2pm

Rants: Even though the lecturer is somehow entertaining, and fluent in delivering his lecture, I began to find this module so uninteresting to the point of hating and regretting taking it. There seems to be a lot of information, but I didn't feel the focus. Was daydreaming! And worse still, the lecture notes are full of pasted articles and slides containing no/little information and there were so many pages! Waste my printer ink!

Time: 2 - 4pm

Was sticking to Michelle. Then, later join her friends (from MJ), so got to know a few more people (all girls). Saw Cassandra and Aisha, and then later they joined in (mainly put the bags on the table for me to guard because I feel lazy to go see- see the bazaar with them).

Lecture 2: MA1100 Basics of Mathematics

Time: 4 - 6pm

Rants: Surprisingly, the lecturer seemed to improve his lecture compared to the one on Monday. The speed was alright and it gets more entertaining, with a little of funny elements here and there. I feel the time moving reasonably fast for this lecture, which is good!

Time: 6 - 7pm

Met up with Joy and Melissa Quek for the Choir audition. It was so last minute that Joy ask me to go for Choir audition. We have to sing any song of our choice. And I had no idea what to sing, so I sang Kerraban Sape bass part.

"What is the starting note?" the one auditioning me asked.

"Err..I don't know" I replied

"Ok..you can sing using any key and any time you are ready"

(I took a deep breath to calm my nerves)

"Lantan terame banyak kerraban ......."

Then was asked to sing the notes he played on the keyboard (the usual choir audition). The time I spent to be auditioned was so fast compared to the previous guy that it made me worry! But the results were out on Sunday (20th Aug) and I got in - Tenors! Well I'm feeling ecstatic that I am a Tenor, but at the same time SCARED! Hope I won't be lousy! First practice on Monday (later).

Time: 7 - 8pm

Went with Joy to Social and Ballroom dancing briefing and had ourselves registered for Elementary Cha Cha and Quickstep courses commencing 30th Aug.

Time: 8 - 10pm

Had dinner with Joy at Munchie Monkey. One of Joy's Camp friend - Kelvin- joined us. Then, went to Kelvin's house before he drove us to Zouk for NUS Project X. On the way, we picked a friend of Kelvin - Annie, and Cassandra.

Time: 10pm - 12.30am

Was at Zouk. For the first 1 hour plus so, I was feeling utterly bored partly because I have no new friends unlike the rest. Where Cassandra, Joy and Annie sit (on a platform), there wasn't enough space for me to sit. So I was standing and there was this group of people standing right in front of me, gradually driving me to a corner. And so, when the crowds get more crowded and as the music started to get more groovy, the group started to move their body, and occasionally bump into me.

"I'm so sorry, keep hitting you", one of the girls in the group asked (she looked friendly)

"*smile* It's alright," I replied.

"Do you want to move from where you are? You look uncomfortable".

"Yah, it is so corner", one of the guy (seems to be ABC cos of the strong accent) said.

"*smile* Nope, it's okay. I'm fine"

And so occasionally we smile at each other, then when the music start to pump out loud and the usual club scene started, the group made their way to the dance floor and the first girl that speak to me said "Bye bye". So sweet of her.

Cassandra and Annie went to dance first before Joy and I, and Kelvin, followed. Then after a while, Joy felt tired (so do I), so we went back to sit. Joy was finding her CAC (Cultural Activities Club) friends. When she spotted her friends, Kelvin spotted us. So thinking that Cassandra were with Kelvin and Annie, Joy suggested I joined them while she hanged around with her CAC friends. But, Cassandra wasn't with Kelvin and Annie. She was dancing! So I felt a bit uncomfortable, and besides was kinda tired and most importantly, I forgot to bring my house key hence I excuse myself and went home. On the taxi home, I was wondering why when Joy was with her friends, didn't I go find the group that previously stand in front of me and mingle around. Who knows I got them as my new friends. But well, it was too late =(

Friday, 18th Aug

Lecture 1: MA1102R Calculus

Time: 12 - 2pm

Rants: Just like normal mathematics lecture. But it was alright, I didn't feel bored. For me, definitely more interesting than the bio - genes and society - module.

Self-frustration:

1.I want to join Badminton besides Choir. And I also want to join the Band. But fair enough, I have to choose between Band and Choir, because in my opinion, struggling with both will mean suicide for my academic (not that I prioritise academic, but it is undeniably important). Since I pass the audition for choir and got in Tenors, I guess I will be in Choir. The other thing is: Badminton and Choir practice schedule CLASHES! Both have practices on Monday and Thursday. Of course, the chances of me getting into TeamNUS for Badminton is I say 20% (btw, the trial is on this coming Thu or the following Mon). So if i got in to badminton, then I have to choose between badminton or choir. Alternatively, I just joinchoir and miss the trial for badminton OR join choir and badminton sub-club if the badminton sub-club playing time is different from the team rehearsal time.

2. It will be a super high level difficulty task for me to find new friends in NUS! But it seems that during choir audition, I got to know two Indonesians. And seeing from the list of names of people passing the audition, there are a few Indonesians. Hope I socialise!!!!

RANDOM stuff outside NUS 'life':

1. Will be taking Grade 5 Music Theory exam this coming October.

2. Started my first Intermediate level part-time Chinese lesson on Saturday, 19th Aug, 4.30 - 7.30pm. Was a bit lost because I joined late since I already covered the first two lessons when I was in basic class. Kinda forget how to write certain characters, and the other students seemed fluent already.

3. Was exhausted playing badminton with my secondary school friend, Endi, on Saturday for one hour non-stop. But it was fun!

this week B-quoted

"If you can dream it, you can do it." - Walt Disney

Resolved Stress

Thank God, every bit of the stress I faced in the past few days have been resolved. It's all started when my social visit pass (svp) [ a pass needed for a foreigner to stay in Singapore longer than is given at the point of entry ] expired on 26th July. So on 24th July, I asked my guardian to extend the svp longer so that I can matriculate and then process my student's pass. However, the ICA only extend the svp for another two weeks (till 7th Aug), and in addition they chopped on my passport: To renew passport (well, my passport expiring on 12 Dec 2006, so it has less than 6 months validity). And so, the next day, 25th July, I made my way down to Indonesian embassy to renew my passport. BUT, the lady there said since I do not have a student's pass, I cannot renew my passport in Singapore and have to return to my hometown to renew it. So well, I thought on 1st Aug, I will matriculate and then process my student's pass then renew passport. Out of curiosity, I enquired NUS International Students Affair whether I could be matriculated earlier. The reply came and it made me can't sleep. It said that I need 6 months validity in my passport to process my student's pass as it is the international requirement. And they suggested requesting the embassy to renew my passport with the In-Principle Approval (IPA) letter produced by ICA which I will get when I matriculate. So the ICA wanted me to renew passport first while the embassy wanted me to get the student's pass first. Why I can't sleep that night after the reply was this: In the event the embassy agree to renew my passport with the IPA letter given, they would need 5 working days to process. Yet, I matriculate on 1st Aug 11.15am and the embassy opening hours for request of passport is only till 12pm. So I can only make my way down to the embassy on the 2nd which is a Wed. So my passport will only be ready on Tues, 8th Aug. But my svp expired on 7th Aug.
So, I consulted my mother and she said if the embassy could not help me to renew my passport within the duration of time, then I would get an immediate flight to Jakarta, and then to Ambon.

So on 1st Aug, I went to matriculate and collect the IPA letter. On 2nd Aug, I went to the embassy and the IPA letter is enough to make them agree to renew my passport. I told them about my svp expiring, and they help by promising me I can collect my passport on 7th Aug itself. The collection time is from 3pm - 5pm, but I request early morning collection so that I can go down to ICA and immediately process my student's pass. And they agreed.

And because of this problem, I withdraw from the Science Orientation Week. Then when I realise, I can actually take part since everything is sort of settled, the orientation committee said that the application is already closed. So here I am starting university without having ANY orientation. Hope I found friends later on.

But well, *a deep sigh of relief* the stress is resolved.

this week B-quoted

"Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." - William Faulkner (1897-1962) American novelist and short-story writer, Nobel Prize laureate

The last day being 18

Any importance to this day? I guess not. What a better way to feel 18 for the last time than to study for Chinese exam tomorrow. Sian. The 18th year of my life had been reasonably uneventful in exception to one or two or ... happenings, for example, stressing over A level, the choir trip to Shah Alam, Malaysia, panic over A level result (which thank god I did well, if not my parents would have deported me), the mad brain overstress over university application, and .....

And so, bye bye being 18.

Creative People

As often as we label people working in the creative industry arrogant, selfish and hypocrite, we can't deny the fact that we (at least I) are envious/jealous of them. It is overwhelming to see the process as well as the end product of the art: from pencil lines and curves to a beautifully executed garment [Fashion], from perspective eye and appreciation of objects to stunningly captured photographs [Photography], from different sounds to harmonious compilation [Music], from everyday movements to flowing weightless action [Dance], from abstract/genuine inspiration to a beautiful drawings [Painting] - and many more.

It takes a lot of talents, potential and courage to survive in this industry. One day they are in, and the next day they may be out. But yet, the most admirable about artists is that they are able to portray their feelings, personality, thoughts, bla bla bla in just one creation of beauty.

Why am I writing about this? I have no idea. It is just one of "fairytale" wish to be in the creative industry.

this week B-quoted

"Time is limited, so I better wake up every morning fresh and know that I have just one chance to live this particular day right, and to string my days together into a life of action, and purpose". - Lance Armstrong (1971 - ) U.S Cyclist, 7-time winner of the Tour de France, cancer survivor.

Letting go of past glory

I believe in most of us, one of the main goal in life is to collect as many glorious moments as possible. Glorious moments may vary differently from one individual to another. They can be winning a prestigious awards, getting a promotion, winning a lottery, overcoming major obstacles, finding a life-long partner, and etc. However, to many of us, failure and rejection usually appear more often than the glorious ones. And then we start to keep replaying the glorious moments that had happened in the past. We begin to indulge and overwhelm ourselves with those past glorious. We start to feel proud of ourselves. In a way it gives us confidence that "hey, I have done it before, I can achieve it again". Yet, the big BUT is we have to learn to treat those glorious moments as a rewarding memories of the past and keep on moving. The urge to keep pressing on toward a new goal must never die. Do not let those pride of past glorious becoming a pseudo-solution for any disappointment and failures that we face along the way to achieve our new goal.

Learn to let go of the past glory, and strive forward for a new glory.

Pressing On

In regard to the previous entry, here is a short continuation.

We have not (and probably never will) obtained everything that can be called perfect. Many a times we regret something that has happened in the past. And there is always this high probabilty whereby we start blaming everything that is in the surrounding. We start blaming our parents, friends, circumstances, choices, dilemma for every failure and disappointment that we experienced. But, it is only when we self-evaluate ourselves that we realise the past happened because we did it ourselves. If something has gone wrong, that would probably mean we led ourselves into making that mistake.

Then, when something painfully regrettable happen that it is so difficult for us to let go, we hold it so tightly that everything we do in the present is somehow not whole. We often relate back to the past, focus all our energy into it, feeling depressed and then begin to see no hope in life. But, is that what we want our life to be? We still have long way to go in fulfilling our desire in life. There is always hope. Hope comes when we are able to forget misery that has happened in the past. By forgetting, it means to release our strong focus of the things in the past and use it to press on for the better future. It is never too late to realise our dream. However, a word of caution, no dream will ever be realised if we ourselves do not make a path for it to happen.

To end: by regretting what we have done and wish that we could have done it better, will never change a thing. What we can always do is to forget what is behind and strain forward what is ahead. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things.

Past VS Future

Past (n) 1. the past the time that existed before the present. 2. it's all in the past spoken used to say that an unpleasant experience has ended and can be forgotten: You musn't think about it. It's all in the past.
Future (n) the time after the present.

The past and the future are two extreme time frame more than often used in describing our life. The past indicates experiences; feelings/emotions that has subsided; memories be it painful, ecstatic, exciting or blissful; a time frame we often wish to erase. Meanwhile, the future implies hope, a better life, a realisation of dreams and happiness. The past is often associated with complexity while the future is often linked to the need for simplicity.

The past is often said together with the future as individual time frame in context such as wanting to forget the past and move on - "it's all in the past", "concentrate on your future". However, for there to be a transition from the past to the future, a time frame in between is necessary. And that time frame is none other than, the present. The present plays the role of examining the past and modifying it to get to the future. The present becomes a very crucial point in determining whether the boundary of the past can be crossed over or not. Hence, the present possess more risk than the past and the future. How so? The past, especially when it is full of hatred, grudges, hurt and pain can only be forgotten when we gradually learn to forget it in the present. Once we have successfully learnt to accept the past as something we cannot change and overcome it, the present then becomes the initial base in which we develop our new step, i.e, the future. However, if we keep dwelling on the past and forget that we actually live the present, then the present becomes a replay of those past memories, preventing the formation of base for the future.

So, the past is important as it made who we are today. The future is important as it will be how we want our life to be. But, the present is more important. In the present, we learn to accept our past; learn to forget (and to forgive) about the past; improve on our mistakes made in the past; re-live beautiful memories happened in the past that we want to keep with us throughout our life, and start to make the decision that "it's all in the past". The complexity of the past can only be re-invented as a simple future when we start confidently and with strong willpower to renew our life and purpose, in the present. To get some good in the future, we may need to sacrifice what we have earned in the past. If that is the only way, then the only thing we can do is to be strong and move on. For those who believe in God, strengthen our faith and let Him carry us through the many obstacles.

In conclusion, the past (the painful one) can only be forgotten when we start living the present and set target on the future. Do not frustrate over the past and keep on wishing for a better future if we, ourselves, do not see the importance of the present for that better future to happen. As cliche as it sounds, but, no action implies no result.

Of course, there is always the happening of what we did in the past, get forgotten in the present but somehow manage to be known in the future.

BBQ@JM's house - Sat July 8th

-Jia Min, the host of the night-

-skewing the prawns-

-chef of the night-

-dining together-

------The Salad Torture -----

-SO Comical-

-The Gentlemen-

-The Ladies-

-The Group-
(From Left to Right: 1st Row: Endi, Harris, Jian Rong
2nd Row: Cicilia, Carolin, Jia Min, Cheryl, Audrey)

-And so the night closes-

Language Preparation Programme

Sometimes back in June, I applied for the Language Preparation Programme in NUS for French. The programme is to prepare the students for the student exchange programme to France, Belgium or Switzerland. I checked the application status today and the outcome is: rejected. To be frank, I did not really expect the rejection. But, well there is always the French modules to bid for.

Living the Moment

What a better way to live life than to live the moment. Life moves without looking back. No matter how badly we wish a time-machine exist, it will never be. So, experience and indulge the spirit of youth that we possess before we age.

Love and Friendship - Spread the love as if all the days are valentine's day. Treasure the friendship we have and don't let any storms shake it. Tell those you love before it is too late. There is nothing more important as well as beautiful than to have friends, true by your side, as you spend your life day after day.

Faith - For those who believe in God, enrich our lives by strengthening our faith and purify our souls. Living a life full of hope, optimism and love. Stay away from the shadows and welcome the light. Leave solidarity and embrace true companionship.

Family - Thank our parents/relatives/guardians for bringing us up with unconditional love.

Talents - Don't let hectic life take the little time you have. Expand your talent by learning something new. Fulfill our childhood dreams. Don't grow up and painfully regret. Do something you love as it will make you love yourself more, increase your confidence as well as make life more meaningful.

Giving - When we are able to give, let us give with joy without expecting anything in return. To give is better than to receive. There is nothing that can beat the smile flashed by those who receive our gifts. A small gift can change someone's life.

Wealth - Reward yourself here and then when you achieve something or when you have done a good deed. But, do not overspent as the little savings we accumulate will enable us to get our rewards here and then.

Happiness - Treasure the happy moments we have and don't rush to welcome tomorrow. Dive into the happiness you are feeling and live the now. Chill and be thankful that we are blessed with those happiness.

Sadness - Life is boring without the ups and downs. Sadness is a part and parcel of our lives. Experience it so that our lives can be fulfilling. Learn to tackle sadness with hope, optimism and faith. Do not surrender.

Frustration - Chill out and relax. Frustration often waste our time for it will not change the reality. Find something comfortable and meaningful out of the frustration. Do not let frustration eat away our youth because the spirit of youth do not encompass stress.

24 hours a day aren't exacly much of a time. As the world is rotating faster and faster (so it seems) we should not let it drag us along. Find time in those little seconds to think of a happy thoughts, explore our young minds, dream of a fantasy and be thankful for all the good things that have ever happened to us. Carve all the love we received in our hearts for they will give us support and treasure to remember for the rest of our lives. Wipe away our hatred and grudges as it will only blackened our heart giving little space for another love to reside.

However, living the moment does not permit us to give in to temptation that will destroy our lives. Stay away from matters and stuff that will do us no good in a long run.

Just here and there.

Well it's been few weeks since I last blog. As usual, there is nothing particularly interesting, special or even boring to talk about. And as I see, the few recent entries, most of them were about university...and more university. This time when one is about to choose which university to go, which courses to go...the headache just becoming increasingly worst. Hahaa..well, it's quite a relief that now the acceptance period is over..The decision all made and done. But then, haha, it wasn't as it seems. Even when the period is over, my mind is still wondering, what is best.. There are peer influence, personal influence, and the little voice in my heart that want the best to please my parents who work so hard, at any costs to ensure I finish my education here, and not return back. So, I've taken steps (which is kinda late). I have made an appeal to be accepted at another university (late acceptance is what the uni called it). So I shall hear the reply from the admission office soon.

Moving on to better news, I have received letter from MJC that I will be receiving colours and service awards during the 2nd college day. Kinda excited that at least I left college with some awards...hahaha.

Then, there is the mandarin lessons..Well, learning more and more stuff now especially the characters. But of course it's still the basics and therefore can't be compared to those that have studied for 10 years and so. The good thing is, I somehow very interested in learning it and so everyday looking forward to next lesson. Hahaha.

There are times when I'm just at home, doing nothing, and mind start to wander. Missing people. Missing moments. And when current things happen that distract those moments, envy and loneliness come in, yet there is joy too beneath it that I have moved on. Then there is the whole thoughts of starting school again, university. Meeting new people, socialising. Something that I often not comfortable with. Something I feared. And all the 'what if" start filling my mind. Also, the procedures before one get matriculated, and for me get my student's pass are so troublesome and instill fear in me that what if something I have indulged in the past has led me to a point whereby all my dreams will shatter. There are too many (much) negative things going around in my mind. I guess no one will understand what I am trying to say. Well, it meant for me to understand and let it out.

I miss my friends: those I have not seen for long time, those that I have seen recently, and those that I see almost everyday.

Deciding the Future.

Today, 22nd May, I made, perhaps, one of the most difficult decision in my life: to decide which university with the courses offered. SO, I have decided, and have accepted Nanyang Technological University (NTU) Mathematical Sciences. Hope it will be the best for me.

Today is also the start of my Mandarin courses for beginners. Well, I enjoyed the lesson. It was fun. Perhaps cos it is still the beginner...hehhee...Tomorrow, will be starting to learn the basic of the chinese characters (today, learn the pin yin). As it becomes more challenging, hope I won't lose the interest.

The Awaited NTU

Finally! I got the letter from NTU. A bit sad though cos I didn't get my first choice (Aerospace Engineering) but well as expected I got the second choice - Mathematical Sciences. And so, come the most difficult period of time to decide between NUS Science, NTU Mathematical Sciences and SMU Social Science.

Offer by NUS.

Got the application result for NUS today (Sat 29 Apr). Got in my first choice: faculty of science.

Clubbing.

Last night I went clubbing with Cass and Gladys at Ministry of Sound. It was my first time there and third time clubbing. The place was generally nice. They have different areas to suit your comfort and interest.

We went to the hip-hop area. At first, there was no one dancing in the dance area, so we too dare not went in..But after sometime, there were people so we joined in. The only thing less satisfactory was the songs. They were not very hip-hop and somehow don't make you "high" enough. But well, I can't believe we dance till the club close with very little rest (like only around 20 minutes, to go out and buy drink). My legs were very tired. It was like my thighs and calves gonna be disconnected cos my knee (acting as a connector) come out. I was intending to walk home after that, but my legs couldn't make it, so took a cab. Hehehe.

Once I reached home, I decided not to sleep, cos I want to go to the bank in the morning. This plan has been delayed for don't know how many weeks already. So I continue watching my anime (prince of tennis). By 7am, I couldn't take it anymore..so tired and sleepy. So i went to sleep....I set my alarm clock at t10am, but before that my guardian woke me up cos he wanted my passport and student's pass to extend my visit pass in Singapore. I thought, I wouldn't go to sleep and go to the bank, but sleep won in the end. So I woke up at 3pm. I skipped lunch.

I was deciding to go swim since the weather was quite nice (it didn't rain). But I felt too tired to even travel. So there goes the good weather.

Delight.

The feeling of uneasiness that I screwed up the SMU admission interview is finally over. Today, I received the letter from SMU admission office, and I have been offered admission to SMU's Bachelor of Social Science programme (my first choice for SMU) for academic year 2006-07 :)

I have up to 5 June to accept the offer. So hopefully, the other two universities gave their outcome way before it.

Irony. Retributions. Rewards.

Has life ever been simple? Recently, it struck me to come to think that life (suppose to be simple) seems so complex because it consists of endless ironies, retributions and rewards. There are many, countless, times when we set out to do something, something else happen. There are times when we comment, compliment, praise or insult someone but in actual fact we mean the otherwise. Often, we put someone on a pedestal but all that respect we gave was in return to use that person. Sometimes, we abuse the beauty of friendship and give birth to backstabbing and silent hatred. And so frequent that we do not even realise, we contradict ourselves, our actions - what we say earlier and what we say later, what we do earlier and what we do later, what we say we gonna do and the actual action that we carry out. Irony.

Of those ironies, they often landed to retributions. Along the journey of life, somehow we experience problems, heartache, painful memories. These torture happen due to a cause. Subtle as it is, the cause is often something (or something similar) that ourselves have done before - not necessarily to the same person or object that causing us pain but to other people. We are therefore experiencing the pain that we have caused others. But many the times, we do not realise that those pain is what you produce in others, and often we just blame and curse the person that cause us the pain. We hardly converge the problem that perhaps it is a retribution.

Similar to retributions, of course there are rewards. Every good deeds that we have done, will end up in our rewards in the future. The rewards may be direct or indirect. Often, it is subtle. When we indulge in our happiness, it may be because we have given happiness to others.

The above is just some thoughts that happen to linger in my brain. They may not be true. But yet, it is often what I feel or observe.

And to end this entry, are we here for a purpose? Do our lives have meaning?

Dinner at Pizza Hut

Met Celestina, Eunice and Xiang Rong today for dinner at Pizza Hut in Tampines. Hadn't seen Celes and Eunice since the release of the A level results. The dinner was supposed to be small gathering before Xiang Rong has to go serve the country. It was fun and nostalgic. Can't stop laughing when Celes told us bout her classmates. The funniest one was the part: two of her classmates calling each other "twit", and how the guys always bully one of the "twit" girl, calling her chicken. Also got another one called banana, till Celes admit she doesn't even know the girl's real name. It was lame and funny, so childish. Hahahaha....Overall, the dinner was enjoyable.

After dinner, we took neoprints. When time to decorate the photos, we had hard times decorating and the time was running out. In the end, the time runs out, and when we were supposed to choose the photos, the computer already chose for us. And the best thing was, all those that we had decorated, only 2 of them were chosen. So most of the printed neoprints are plain as it is. Hahaha.

I was having nice time with them. Hope to get together soon. Keep in touch yah.

huh?

Sorry for the no updates. I have no inspiration coming.
haha.

Willpower

Have you ever realised what you want to do in your life but somehow feel lazy to achieve it? Have you ever felt that you only able to see the outcome but run away from the difficult time-consuming process? Have you ever wished your dream come true magically when you wake up tomorrow? Have you ever felt like giving up?

All those questions are no strangers to me.

Last night, when once again I did not straight drift to my sleep, thoughts flooded my mind. And these thoughts were mainly bout my strength - not physical strength, but mental. There are times when I so urgently want to change the little little flaws within me. Every new year be it the changing of calendar year or my age, I promise myself to change. From the surface, all can't see this flaw. Only myself know, and I certainly want to change. However, always I failed. It was only last night that I realise why I failed, time and time again. I realised that I do not possess willpower strong enough to overcome all the distractions, disturbance, temptation, or whatsoever you call it.

Whatever we want to achieve, it often only lands in thoughts, decision, dream. What most of us lack is the willpower to pursue that dream. The urge to strive harder, forgetting the past, learning from mistakes. And the toughest of all is to overcome temptation that disturbs and provide obstacles to that light you want to grab at the end of the tunnel. To exercise willpower you need to choose to do it. It's all bout choice. I chose to change myself to the better (as how I want others to see and respect, and most importantly as how I want to see and respect). But what I never choose is to grab hold of my willpower, strengthen and enlarge it, and consume it. There are too, dreams, so many of them, that even I confuse which one actually suits me. But what? I am lazy. Lazy to go through the process. Lazy to do it by myself. And that is lack in willpower.

It is a no wonder why the saying goes "when there is a will, there is a way". Life is about choices. There is no such thing as destiny. It is the choice we made that forms our destiny. To survive life. To change for the better. To see the dreams you, I ever wish for. Willpower. Strengthen it.

Sparkling clean.

Today, the afternoon was spent cleaning my room. Not really the room, but my side (part) of the room, mainly my desk, under the bed, and the shelves. It looks neat and tidy now. Throw some rubbish. The rubbish never ended. Every cleaning up, sure got new things to throw. The rest of the time, again, nothing to do...just slacking.

I'm hungry now though already had my dinner. Gonna go mac....
Till here.

Sianz.

Last night, watched vcd: Shall we dance. I like the movie. The dance was nice. It gave me inspiration to learn ballroom dancing...haha, especially waltz, rhumba. This reminds me of a korean movie "innocent steps" also bout dancing...From there, I wanna learn samba...haha. Salsa also not bad. Or tango.

Well, as for today...there is nothing special except boredom and more boredom. Oh my, I'm so bored. Anyone free to go out with me?...hahaha..even tv also cannot watch, hardly. The tv is taken by others!.
sian.

The New World.

This show is currently only screened at the Cathay (the newly renovated cathay cinema at Handy road). I went to watch it today. The mall part at the cathay is still under construction so can't talk much about it. But the cinema sections are done, and well it feels new but at the same time still so familiar. The ambience is almost the same as the one in orchard cineleisure, just that perhaps slightly classier. Inside the theater: the seats are the same as cineleisure, the screen is bigger and the distance from the first row to the screen is quite far apart, and the screen is lower too compared to other cinemas. And, the screen is slightly tilted, so if you are sitting in the first row, I guess your neck won't break after the show. I don't know whether really there is such service, but when I already settled down, there was someone delivering order to the people sitting behind me. Cool eh, food delivery. Hahaha. Unfortunately, I got a theater that is average size. The biggest theater is called "the Grand Cathay"...and it really looks big.

Well, moving on to the show. It was a pocahontas tale being told in human form. The movie is slow, serious, artsy, literaturish, slightly romantic, confusing, making your mind wonder. I did not understand the show, perhaps due to the changing of scene and big chunk of silence. There were several times when you thought the movie was going to be over, but well it continued. To me, it takes someone of great intelligence to decipher the movie properly. But, well the good things about the movie was at least it didn't put me to sleep. And, the sceneries. It was breathtaking, awesome. The pictures taken were beautiful. Perhaps, that worth two thumbs up. No wonder, it was nominated for Oscar under arts and sciences for best cinematography. I recommend this movie to those who love nature, sceneries, visual arts, and literature. The movie is like a mixture of documentary plus mime plus literary works.

But, at least, that kept me company for the evening.

the 4th Saturday of March 2006

There was nothing much happening. By the time I woke up, it was already nearing lunch hour. The early afternoon was spent watching this indonesian movie "4 sehat 5 sempurna". It was funny but too non-sensical. The acting too wasn't done well. Anyway, the casts were not those popular ones. After watching, I went to POSB branch at Centrepoint to deposit money to my friend's account. He needed to borrow some money urgently. After that, I was just slacking till around 5.30pm when I took a bath and ready to leave my house.Evening to night from 7 to 9pm, was spent in school (MJC, Pasir Ris). The choir alumni had its first practice. Well, it was the first move towards the plan of performing during the annual MJChoir concert, coming in May the 10th. The first song learnt was "Good Old Acapella". It's a simple song yet catchy, and easy-singing and listening. Though it wasn't the melody, but love the bass part :)After practice, most of us went to Changi Airport terminal 1 to have supper. We decided on Popeyes. It was entertaining and amusing, yet symphatising, to hear some of my choir mates bitching bout the toughness of NS life. I am considered lucky that I need not go through this compulsion. For my friends out there having to go through NS, jia you ok! We left the airport around 11.25pm. I took 36 home, and considering it was almost midnight when the bus came, the journey was very smooth and fast. It was like sitting on a shuttle bus home.Tomorrow (referring to Sunday, 26 March), I had nothing on, so perhaps gonna be bored at home, doing nothing, just pure slack. Hopefully, there is something to do.

P.S: Yay! my visa electron card has finally arrived. Have to go link it to my account on Monday.

SMU Admission Interview

SMU admission interview took place today at 9.15am in the School of Economics and Social Science.
ARGH! I think I screwed up the interview :(
Was nervous :(
My answer was superficial. Didn't expect the questions to be like that.
Damn.

Kuala Lumpur 3D/2N

Together with Audrey Ang, Audrey Ee and Yan Ting, I went to Kuala Lumpur on Monday, 20th March to Wednesday, 22nd March. The following was our "itinerary":

Monday 20th March:
AM
7.30 - Check-in at Golden Mile Complex
8.00 - Depart from Golden Mile
PM
2.00 - Reach Kuala Lumpur; Check-in at Federal Hotel
2.45 - Walking around the hotel - the stretch of Bukit Bintang road (plus lunch)
4.30 - I returned to hotel while others went to supermarket (I got stomachache, hehe)
6.30 - Went to Jalan Petaling - Chinatown
10.00 - Back at hotel; Clean up; Dinner was A&W take away
11.00 - Touring the hotel
(00.30 - Lights out)






Tuesday 21st March: (Happy Birthday Griselda)
AM
8.40 - Woke up
9.00 - Breakfast at the Verandah - Federal Hotel (Complimentary)
10.00 - Left for Kuala Lumpur City Centre (Suria KLCC and Petronas Tower) by trains
PM
3.00 - Back at hotel
3.30 - Lunch at opposite hotel at Fresh Noodle Yum Yum
4.30 - Back at hotel
4.50 - Left for Mid-Valley MegaMall (largest mall in Malaysia) by taxi
8.00 - Back at hotel
8.45 - Went to Jalan Petaling - Chinatown, again. Had tze char there and continue shopping
11.00 - Back at hotel
(00.30 - Lights out)

Wednesday 22nd March:
AM
8.50 - Woke up
9.20 - Breakfast at the Verandah - Federal Hotel (Complimentary)
10.00 - Went to Bukit Bintang Plaze for last minute shopping
11.00 - Accompany Audrey Ee back to Chinatown
PM
12.00 - Back to meet Audrey Ang and Yan Ting at BB plaza
12.30 - Back at hotel - Pack up
1.00 - Check-out
1.10 - Lunch at Secret Recipe
2.30 - Back at hotel lobby - waiting for the coach
3.10 - Depart from Kuala Lumpur
9.10 - Reach Golden Mile Complex, Singapore

This trip marked the first time I spent all my Ringgit away. Mostly on food though. Well, of the four of us, I shopped the least. But, I got shop nevertheless. I bought 2 sweaters, 1 bracelet, 1 swimming goggles and 4 DVDs for myself, and other orders. Overall, the trip was enjoyable and nice time spent. Good holiday!

Ratings: 3.5/5

On 22nd March Wednesday.

Around 10pm, I reached Novena Square to meet Alvin and Pei Wen, and later on Pei Pei and Sandy.

Let sadness pass. Difficult it may be but the sooner you refresh yourself and move on, the sooner you will find your life back, and the sooner you will reach a better fate. Sadness may or may not bring good things. Many said that time will slowly erase the sadness. But time is not enough. You need your own strength, will power and of course support. To my friends - brothers and sisters - I will always be here for you, to provide shoulders for you to cry on, to lend my listening ear, or to dance around in euphoria with you.

Balestier Hill Band Camp 2006

At last on Monday, 13 March, I went back to secondary school (after one year) for the band camp. With the rest of my band friends, as alumni, we helped out with the camp. Basically, we were in charge of the lectures/talks. I was part of the leadership and sectional teaching lectures :) It felt great coming back to band. Though we did not involve directly in the camp, we did have so much fun, mainly cos we too play our own game, non-sensical game...haha. We played the animal game, wh0-what-hah and titititititi--tiu. We also played our own instrument, our missed-so-much instrument. Tried to play the old songs, but well kinda of break down in the middle...Well can't blame us, we have not touched our instruments for so long. Overall, I enjoyed myself very very much, although have to wake up early in the morning, hehe. It is with much joy to see my seniors, friends, juniors, how I realise I miss them. And now when the camp was over, how I realise I really miss the secondary school life, the band especially. How we suffer with the foot drill, and yet the enjoyment when we play music and did the foot drill well..I so hope, we keep in contacts and have more gatherings...haha...I miss you band people :)

(Me and Alvin, my brotherly junior)



(Me, Audrey and Alvin = the trio trombonists)



(Me, Jian Rong, the ex-student conductor, and Alvin)

University Applications

I have managed to sort out the courses for each of the three Singapore's government-funded universities. The followings are courses I've applied: (the choices are listed in order of preference)

National University of Singapore:
1. Science
2. Arts and Social Sciences
3. Business Administration with Accounting
4. Business Administration
5. Architecture
6. Industrial Design
7. Computing

Nanyang Technological University:
1. Aerospace Engineering
2. Mathematical Sciences
3. Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering
4. Chemistry and Biological Chemistry
5. Psychology

Singapore Management University:
1. Social Sciences
2. Business Management
3. Accountancy
4. Science (Information Systems Management)
5. Science (Economics)

Review.

Yep...been back in Singapore for 13 days..On the 23rd, I got a job at synovate company at burlington square through my friend, but I worked for two days, but quit on Monday, partly cos results were coming out in the next few days.And, so yesterday, wednesday March the first, I got back my awaited A level result. Well, I am satisfied with my result cos I had sort of predicted that the results I had gotten would be the maximum grades possible. Anyway, I achieved As for Chemistry and Mathematics while a B for Further Mathematics and a C5 for General Paper. Well I was sort of disapoointed with the GP result but then again I am glad that at least I passed because before the result I kept dreaming of failing my GP. So now the next major thing I had to do is to decide which university to go, and most importantly what course I am interested in. Today I looked through the courses and their requirements and was so surprised to see many requires the grade of two sciences. So yeah, bit of regret of dropping physics last year. But, well perhaps there are other plans for me. Today, I went to the career fair at suntec with my secondary band friends. Then went for dinner at suntec foodcourt before going for dessert at tcc boat quay. The ambience at tcc was nice, loved the bean bag..hahha...it was a nice time spent. We chatted, laughed so alot. We had decided to go for a holiday in Malaysia in two weeks time. Hopefully the plan worked. And also we even decided once we graduate, have enough capitals, we gonna open a cafe :) Well, plan for tomorrow: meeting Krystelle in the afternoon for lunch, and then she gonna help me going through the uni courses and application, as well as overseas scholarship particularly germany, australia and switzerland...Hopefully by tomorrow I know what I want to do. In a mean time, I hope to enjoy as much as possible before university education start.